Don Biggly's Tremendous Exit Strategy

Your mission is not to rescue Don Biggly. Your mission is to manipulate his ego until he accidentally rescues himself.

He will not touch safety equipment until it has been renamed, monetized, gold-plated, or described as something nobody else is allowed to have. People are fleeing for their lives. He is reading it as demand.

House rules

EGO too low — he refuses instructions. EGO too high — he stops evacuating and starts monetizing the emergency.

REALITY too high — he becomes immobile. (“Very negative ocean.”)

GOLD STARS — three per voyage. Flattery of last resort.

Calm Seas mode — no timers, same disaster. Switches on automatically if your device prefers reduced motion.

Fictional political satire — a playable Don Biggly disaster. No real ship, no real advice, no real person, and absolutely no maritime safety value. Part of the Booze on Hormuz™ archive.

Begin the Departure